Dear T,

26May08

Today was fun.  I was a little apprehensive with our museum playdate.  Only because hanging out with someone new always pushes me out of my comfort zone.  I usually find ways of avoiding one-on-one hang out sessions with new friends.

During confirmation I was getting really close with my friend Erika.  We would joke around confirmation class and laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.  Neither of us was that into the religion thing.  We both were of the understanding that we were doing this a) because we had to and b) because our parents made us. After months of classes Erika invited me over to her house to hang out.  And while my lips said, “Okay!”  My heart said, “Oh no, how am I going to get out of this???”

You see, I’m super friendly with folks.  And I think I make friends pretty easily, but it takes a lot to up my involvement with people beyond the superficial nature of hanging out because we so happen to be in the same place.  I eventually didn’t hang out with Erika.  I made up some excuse about how my parents wouldn’t let me come over because they had stuff for me to do at home.  I’m pretty sure she saw through my weak excuse.  I’ll never forget the look of confusion and rejection she had.  I just didn’t know what to do.  I lost what could have been a really close friend and my own insecurities held me back.

I regret that.

So yesterday as J, M, you and I were all at hanging out and distracting each other, the fact that I brought up hanging out at LACMA shocked me.  It may have even shocked you.  When I woke up this morning a part of me almost flaked because that same self-conscious me started to emerge.  I finished a book.  Took my time getting ready.  And picked up the phone to see if you were still up to go.

The amazing thing was I didn’t hesitate when I picked up the phone.  I didn’t worry that you may have decided to flake on me.  I didn’t worry that I was going to spit out some measly excuse to flake on you.  The day happened as we had planned even with a detour to Canter’s for some fine jewish deli food, discussion about our old college lives, and sharing about our partners in crime or potential partners in crime.

It was a great way to end the day.  I didn’t over think. A quality many of the characters I love in books have.  I went with the flow, enjoyed some art, and smoked a couple of cigarettes.  Now I don’t expect us to be the best of friends, but I’m glad I made some hedgeway in my own life.  I didn’t let my insecurities rule me and I went wherever the conversation went.

I was unafraid.

So here’s to more days like this!

Thanks,

L

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