dear elaine in 2002, 2003,
before there was the workshop.
before there was this space.
there was me in 2002.
there was me in 2003.
you didn’t know it then, but writing saved you. as i read your old journal entries i still feel the pain behind your words. i fight back tears. i fight back the pain.
i just wanted to share some of your words here. on a whim i found you again. i want to keep those memories close. rereading the words now is finally letting me say good-bye to you and hello to me now.
thank you for helping me through some rough years,
elaine in 2008
i feel extremely numb right now.
in the next couple months i’m going to have to “act normal” whatever that means for me…
i know this is a cryptic blog right now, but i cant explain the details to why i’m like this at the moment.
something bad happened and i feel numb.
and i just learned that you should say “i love you” to those you care about when you can, bc you never know when you have that blessing will be taken away from you.
so if you’re reading this that means you’re my friend or a homie or a family member of mine…
and i just wanted to tell you now, if i dont get to tell you later on or in person…
i love you
Monday, October 28, 2002
my dad reminsced today about how he first met my mom. it was at the bank that they worked at in the philippines. my mom was hella stubborn about my dad walking her home for lunch. so my dad let her get lost and when they returned to work that afternoon my dad rubbed it in my moms face on how she was lost. then it hit me. no matter what…my mom is loved and cared about. the person i knew may be lost, but her spirit is in me and my dad and the rest of the people she touched. no one, nothing, not even this stroke, can take that away from her.
so as i drove home tonight i felt this peace in my heart. i felt calm. i’m not angry/sad at the world, at god, at whatever anymore. its going to be ok, no matter what the outcome is. if i shed a few more tears, then i shed a few more tears…but its only because i love my mom and all who care about her.
Monday, November 11, 2002
something hard
so mom had surgery today. they took the feeding tube out of her nose and inserted a tube that directly went into her stomach. she kept going in and out. she’d open her eyes and look around, but you couldnt tell if she was conscious or not. my dad was lookin mighty sad and it was breakin my heart. he asked me the question, “do you think i’m strong enough to handle all this?” and then he asked me, “are you strong enough to handle this?” fuck how am i supposed to answer that? so i broke down today. after holding up ok for the past couple of weeks, the stress of it all hit me and i broke down in my car.
lalala…
i spent the day today with my pops and moms at mommy’s rehab center. i dont like the rehab center that much bc the ppl there are all old and it reminds me of lola’s rehab facility. so usually i get dad to take me home so i can sleep. the place is pretty close; i could probably walk, but bc of dads paranoid fear he’ll always drive me home. i teared to day. moms getting better she’s moving a lot. today she grabbed my hand and played with it. she pretended to bless me! for all those non-filipino’s its a custom that younger people show respect to older people by taking their hand and putting it on their forehead. the thing that made me tear up is that she took my hand another time and brought it to her cheek. she then kissed it. i miss my mom and that action made me shed a couple of tears. its the most reaction ive gotten from her in the past month and its meant a whole lot. i can see it in her eyes. she’s slowly coming back.
its been an eventful weekend i must say.
i came home on friday to the usually prayer thing. then i hung out with mom all day sat. SHE’S TALKING!!! YAY!!! =) i’m super stoked about that. i was telling dad that i was sad that i never thought i’d ever hear her voice again. i’m always happy to go home bc moms face lights up when i see her. i’m so happy and grateful to see her happy and to hear her voice. she was sitting up when i got to her room…yay! i’m so proud of my mom! she makes me smile when i see her. altho i do hate going to her place. i hate convalescent homes…the smell, the feel, it never sits well with me. but we do what we have to for the sake of family.
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I like that you included past entries.
oh how strong you are indeed